I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
