Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Couch. On fire.
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