my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
