This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
