i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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