why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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