If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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