Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Randomize
