I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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