My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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