last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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