dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
