Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
