Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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