When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
