mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
