I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
