i dedicated my morning wood to you.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
