am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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