I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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