I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
