I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
