you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I wish there were birth control emojis
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
