How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so let's talk penis.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize