i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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