someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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