I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
