every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
