she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
