I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize