Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
