So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
