Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
