His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
