I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
