I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
