omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
