You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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