I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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