I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
