The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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