I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
