I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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