I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
