The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
