i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
