How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
