so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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