my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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