you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
