Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
