We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
