Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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