Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The air was thick with penises
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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