my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
