What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
