Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
