Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
